Recently I had a conversation with a good friend and neighbor of mine, Stanley, who is 80, soon to be 81 on November 29, 2008. He's a very wise man, good-natured and an Agnostic while claiming he believes in God, but it's religion he's against as it's man-made. I couldn't agree more! Anyway, he was telling me a story of his father who made him feel unloved all of his life including at his father's deathbed. As he explained that day to me, I felt his pain.

He told me he grew up most of his life being treated by his father as if everything he accomplished or tried to do he was a failure in his father's eyes and knew in his heart he was unloved by him, until the day a woman he was dating explained it to him. Actually, she just said it once and that was all it took for him to understand.

The woman told him his father was jealous of him and once she said that, it was like the clicking of a safe unlocking all of the torment in his mind and put the pieces of his life together for him. He explained for most of his life he continually kept going back to his father hoping one day it would change and he would feel his love, but to no avail even on his deathbed. Then, with pain in his voice, he said "once she said that, it all made sense because isn't a parent supposed to bring a child into this world so they can have a better life than they did?" I believe he was referring to the psychological claim that many parents live vicariously through their children who then "kill" the child within because they're not living up to their expectations, etc.

As I listened, he told me how he went to the hospital room where his father was lying on his deathbed along with his brother and his wife whom his father hated ever since they married. For years, all this man could do was express his hatred toward her, but on that specific day and time, all he did was express his love for her while neglecting Stanley as if he wasn't even in the room. Now, here we have a man in his 80's with a beautiful personality, heart, and sharp as a razor, over flowing almost 20 years later in pain because of feeling unloved by a parent.

Being a Minister, well, it isn't an easy job, especially confronting someone who has decades of experience on us, and are seeking advice from us to help alleviate their pain while they themselves are so close to death. I tell you honestly, when confronted with these types of situations one can only look another in the eye and talk to them from the heart. I told him even as painful as his father's actions were to him, his being born to his parents was a gift from God. It is the very pain he suffered which will place him into the next realm upon his very own death so he does not have come back to this earth and repeat the same situations or if he have it, he could come back like his cat, which like mine, has a very good life! He liked that, and we laughed.

The purpose of this insight is to reinforce a popular claim. It is only through forgiveness that we can rise above the injustices and wrong-doings we "feel" have been placed upon us. And, through this forgiveness, we will be able to open our hearts enabling us to move into the next realm and really live while we are on this planet. To accomplish this, we must let responsibility lie where it extends from, on the person doing the wrong deed. When someone is lashing out against others and society it is due to pain within their self. We can understand and forgive them, but we must for our own personal dignity and self-protection place the responsibility where it belongs and it is "first" with ourselves therefore back on them. Once we do this, we will truly be able to comprehend what I've been claiming as the Founder of our church has. It is our belief system that keeps us in shackles or free.

If you find you need assistance with forgiving someone or had a similar situation like Stanley with one or both your parents, under our Resources section we listed some excellent self-help books or contact pastor@church4knowledge.org. There are two books specifically that we would like to recommend, as we found them to be very useful and beneficial. These are How To Forgive . . . When You Don't Feel Like It by June Hunt and Toxic Parents — Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. In closing, Stanley was kind enough to share his Daily Prayer:

Dear Lord,
We thank thee for this food, but leave us not forget the hungry.
We thank thee for family but leave us not forget the homeless.
We thank thee for friends but leave us not forget the lonely.
We thank thee Lord for all thy blessings, may we always deserve them.

Stan Ryan, 1976

(From the CFK staff - Stanley, may you live to be 200 years old!)